I should be writing a research paper on Liberation Theology right now. But lately I have not been motivated at all to do homework...we have an extra week of class this year than past years, and it feels like an extra month. The sad part is, when I think about my classes next fall, I already begin to stress out in advance over all the projects and papers and power-point presentations. I wish I could just quit worrying about it.
I've noticed that my life seems to progress in cycles. At least my emotions do. I feel like I have lost touch with reality....like I am just floating along, caught in the current, and not even realizing I'm wet. The mundanity of class, work, and homework has become overwhelming. I know it isn't really the external things that matter...I know it is my attitude and the distortions within my head that craft this twisted lens...perhaps it is just time for me to go home. I need to become rooted once again in that calm comfort, away from the anxiety of college life.
Looking back, I am struck by how many things have changed since last year. I finally decided to give up on the viola peformance major, and I know now that I could not have made a better decision. However, I have also realized that my new major, Biblical & Theological studies, is not everything I envisioned. Specifically, the Biblical studies portion is very draining - pure academia, with little to no practical applications, and with no overarching insight to tie it all together. This reflects the simple truth that there is no "dream career," no perfect field that will suit me. Whatever I end up doing with my life, there will be things I like and things I dislike.
Also in this new major, I've had to confront that same beast that governed my desire to be a performance major - the perfectionist critic inside me. Even when I try to relax and put things off for awhile, or when I try to wing an assignment at the last moment knowing it is within my capabilities to do so, that little voice silently chastens me, and I begin to feel that I am sub-par, that I am not good at anything. As a result, I become totally paralyzed, prepared to give up on anything that I cannot do with perfection. It is because of this beast that I have decided not to go into academia for a living. I do not want to be haunted by ambition-tinted urges disguised as guilt that never let me rest.
But enough of that.... despite all this moaning and griping, life really is very good. I recently rejoined orchestra, and found out I will after all be able to go on tour to Germany and Austria for two weeks in June. I am really enjoying the music we're playing - especially the Grieg piano concerto and the Gordeli flute concerto. Many other things in my life have turned out to be wonderful beyond my expectations . . .the "illusions" that I spoke about shattering last summer became reality. I will be working as a waitress again this summer, which I am really looking forward to.
So, in conclusion, I really have nothing to whine about. I tend to get absorbed in boredom and negativity and fail to open my eyes to the goodness surrounding me. That is part of why I write in this thing...so that I am forced to realize the foolishness of my self-pity.
Oh, one last thing. For at least a year now I have been struggling off-and-on to get back into writing fantasy fiction. I am now determined to do that this summer. It is something that will bother me to no end until I start actually doing it...but that is the hardest part, just getting started. Hopefully I will succeed one of these times.
Rex tremende semper inimice
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